I slept until after 1:00 today. Seriously.

Was it because:

A) I was up way, way late, unable to sleep?
B) the dog was up barking in the middle of the night?
C) I’ve been feeling kind of weird these past couple days?
D) I still haven’t fully recovered from vacation?
E) school is kicking my ass?
F) I was having never-ending dreams about John Krasinski this morning?
G) all of the above, but mostly E
H) all of the above, but mostly E (but REALLY mostly F)

Mmmm….John Krasinski….

I’m about to cry.

The colored pencils I’ve been hoarding since elementary school? The ones I loved so much I never even dared to sharpen them? The ones I recently started using in my Anatomy Coloring Book, after finally convincing myself that it was okay to use them because I can just buy more when they’re gone? The ones I’ve sharpened once or twice in the past week?

DISCONTINUED. OVER TEN YEARS AGO.

Yeah, we’re leaving town in the morning.

Yeah, we have to take the dog to my boss’ house before we go to the airport.

Yes, we’ll have to sit in 20 miles of traffic to get there.

Yes, we’ll have to sit in more traffic to get to the airport on the other side of town.

Yes, I have to be packed and out of my house at 7 a.m.

No, I am not anywhere near ready.

No, I haven’t gotten my suitcase out of the closet.

No, I haven’t gathered the dog’s stuff together.

No, I don’t know why I’m here, or why I’m not doing anything productive.

Yes, this is absolutely, completely, undeniably NORMAL for me.

Yes, I hate it.

Yes, I will panic.

Probably I will cry.

Probably I will manage to get packed and out of the house on time.

Probably this weekend is going to be AWESOME. I just need to get to that point.

If you’re here because you saw the link to my domain in J’s email, well then what can I say? Yep, it’s me. I write. I don’t tell anyone about it because it feels weird. Why it feels weird, I don’t know, because I had online journals back when we were freshmen. Plus, who wants people you know to know how much you weigh? Not that it matters. It doesn’t, but it seems to not matter that it doesn’t matter. Which makes all kinds of sense, right?

Now, I could have done the sensible thing and, I don’t know, mentioned this at some point? Like, maybe at the point when I realized that you could more than likely see the link on the computer screen?

I’m weird. You’ve known this for YEARS.

I could be talking to myself right now. But if I’m not, then I guess it’s a bit of a relief to not be in hiding anymore. Because it’s really quite weird to have this whole piece of yourself that your best friend doesn’t even know about. But since I didn’t tell you in the beginning, I never knew how to tell you later on. Because it’s just this silly thing. “Hey, I have a website.” “Hey, so did you know I blog?” Blech. It sounds so lame. Especially, um, 4 years after the fact.

So tell me if you’re here, because I won’t mention it in conversation otherwise. You know how I am, how I can be. But if you tell me, I think I’ll be terribly excited that you know. And that’s the real kicker, because even as I get excited about the possibility of my secret coming out, I know that if you didn’t see the link, didn’t figure it out, then I’m not going to tell you. Even though I’m excited about you knowing.

I can’t explain myself. I really, really can’t.

Oh, and please don’t tell anyone else? That’s probably my main reason for anonymity. It’s one thing for you to know, but another to know that other people know too. It just feels so damn weird.

How exactly was it that I used to work full-time AND go to school full-time? Because I’m on Day 2 of the part-time/part-time deal, and it’s already driving me crazy. Because of vacation, I traded my work days around, so I’m working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday this week, and I’m already exhausted.

What’s that you say? I used to be 18 (nope, didn’t work that first semester), 19, 20, 21, and 22 when I was doing such things? Ah. Okay then. Today is officially the first day that I’ve felt the effects of aging. Blerachadaljer!

So I’ll be brief: I LOVE BEING BACK IN SCHOOL! I love my teacher. This class is going to be hard as fuck, and my ass is not going to be allowed to be lazy AT ALL, but I think I’m going to love it. I even met two cool girls in my lab.

We had our first quiz tonight (I know!) I accidentally wrote “sagittarial” instead of “sagittal” on one question, but I think that everything else right. I was the first one done, and when the professor walked over to pick it up, he said, “Piece of cake?” I said, “I think so?” because I wasn’t sure about a few answers, but I looked them up afterwards and I was right. Except for “sagittarial,” which I knew wasn’t quite right when I wrote it.

Oh, and he told us that the class doesn’t get rats to dissect anymore. Each lab table will instead get one baby pig to share. Um, yay? He also said that if he hears that you’re squeamish, he’s going to make you shove your hand into the goo, because, “You people are all going into a MEDICAL field! Get used to goo and dead things!” Point taken.

Holy crap, I start school tomorrow.

True, I worked for several hours today. But because I work on my laptop, and because I sit on my bed to do so, it seems like I’ve hardly gotten out of bed all day.

A few hours ago, I asked J to pause our movie that we were watching so that I could log on and get 5 more questions done, so that I could meet my weekly goal. While I was doing that, he took off his glasses and got in bed next to me.

Uh oh.

Sure enough, he hasn’t moved since. It really sucks, because he was out all morning at some convention/meeting/something and didn’t get home until 3. I made myself work my ass off, telling myself I could quit when he got home. But we sat around together for an hour, and then he opened a gigantic beer that monks made, and offered me some. I told him to wait, because I wanted to go out, and he said that we would, but he had already poured this one.

We cooked a small pizza for a snack. We ate. I tried his drink. He opened another. Wait a minute! Time went by. I worked some more. We watched more of our movie. We ate dinner. It stormed. It stopped storming. He tells me there’s no way he can drive. As I’ve had a bit, I can’t drive either. We watch more of the movie. I start working for a few minutes. Then he went to bed. At maybe 7:00? Oh, but he didn’t “go to bed”…he’s just “stretching.”

I’m trying hard not to throw a fit, but it really sucks. It feels like I’ve spent my entire day waiting to do something with my sweet husband, and it feels like my entire day has been wasted. I don’t want to be a bitch, but I kinda just want to kick and scream.

• Woke up early on a day that I don’t work. Finally!
• Went to the Public Health Clinic to get some vaccines:TDaP and my first round of Hepatitis B. I have to be all shot up before I submit my application, and Hepatitis B is going to take 6 months to complete…I’ll be eeking in just before the deadline (4 days before applications are due). I’m sure that it would be fine if I was in the process of getting the 3-dose series when I turned in my application, but I’m determined to have the very best odds, so I want everything to be perfect.
• Made it from the clinic to Meals on Wheels with moments to spare. Well, okay, we were late. But they were still there, so I’ll count it as a win. I met J at home (he was waiting for a contractor who never showed up), then we hauled ass over to the church, did our route, then rushed back to his office for his next appointment.
• I did lots of TEAS (nursing school entrance exam) studying today - 2 hours at the clinic, then at least an hour at the office and another hour at home. I’ve got to get this stuff mastered. See: I want everything to be perfect, above.
• I worked for at least 2 hours from J’s office at my other job. It went really well, and I’m looking forward to doing this again on days that I go to work with him.
• Found fabric softener for $1.25 a box in clearance at Tom Thumb. I’m testing it out tonight, and then sending J back to stock up if we love it. That price is awesome!
• Something else, I’m sure.

I started getting some of my textbooks in the mail today. I’m really, really going back to school! And yes, I’m overly excited about it! Also scared, because Anatomy & Physiology AND Organic/Biological Chemistry? Yikes.

I pulled out all of my old textbooks tonight and tried listing them for sale online. Ha! Leaving school for 4 years, then trying to sell some old books? Not very good. I’ve got them listed on half.com, though, because the fees are waaay lower than amazon, so I’ll maybe make a few dollars out of it. At this point, every teeny tiny bit helps. Over half my costs this semester are in books - USED books.

And then J’s car broke down.

So not only do I have to spend $850 on school, but now I’ve got a $437 repair bill to handle. In a month that was already superdupertight, moneywise. I had to put the school expenses on credit, which I HATE HATE HATE to do, but it was really important to get these prerequisites done, because I’m going to try to get into nursing school next fall, and if I don’t get them done NOW, I’ll delay it for an entire year. Which would suck. And I had to dip waaay too much into the small emergency fund to pay for car repairs and, honestly, regular monthly bills. Budgeting around a commission-based paycheck is SO FREAKING HARD. And it definitely didn’t help that at least 1/4 of J’s paycheck was taken out due to chargebacks. (Always pay your insurance bill, peoples! It SUCKS when you don’t!)

So right now, I’m learning to trust. I trust that I’m doing the right thing (choosing time vs debt), and I trust that things are going to look up for us. Because, really? If they look down any more, I’m going to have to cry. J’s got some stuff in progress, and I trust that it’s going to pay off. I trust that my new part-time job is going to work out. I trust that I will be able to magically save enough money for nursing school next year. I trust myself to do well in school, to get the grades necessary to get accepted. I trust J to earn as much money as he thinks he needs to. I trust that everything will work out fine.

Most of the time, despite these problems, I feel extraordinarily happy. Which is great.